a while ago i was complaining about being single (lol what else is new) and a boy (that i had a crush on, gross) offered an explanation that maybe i was single because i was “intimidating.” he said it hesitantly and with good intention-he was, i think, trying to give me insight into the dude brain-but regardless, his comment hit me like a fucking brick in the face. my stomach dropped and my breath caught in my throat. i was immediately embarrassed and ashamed and conscious of my level of speech and vulgar-ness of my jokes and placement of my hands. i felt so embarrassed that i was driving boys away, or worse, scaring them away.
again and again i’m seeing that the vast majority of boys want girls that are demure, thin, delicate, white. girls that laugh at their jokes but don’t make jokes of their own. girls that eat pizza and are ~*~quirky~*~ but are still remarkably a size 2. they love patting themselves on the back for liking ‘alt girls’ which really just translates to generic ass white girls with the side of their head shaved. this same boy told me he liked girls with ‘alternative hair’ and i watched him go on a date with a white, thin, generic looking girl with….blue hair. so alt. as someone with hair that is actually alternative to what you see every goddamn where, it makes me want to die. the only thing that sucks more than dudes saying out right that they ‘don’t date black girls’ is dudes listing off all the girls they think are hot and allllllllll of them being thin and white and so so pretty. last summer during a stupid and useless post breakup heart to heart sahil told me he fell for someone after me and it killed me. he tried to comfort me and i looked at him with tears in my eyes and choked out, “she’s…she’s white.”
this post was going to be about how i don’t give a fuck about being intimidating to guys but really, it doesn’t matter. i have to be okay with it because i am black and no matter who i am or what i do or what my interests are, i’m going to be intimidating.
the worst part is that even when a boy is into me (wat) i fuck it up because i’ve been so conditioned to assume and believe that boys won’t find me romantically or sexually attractive. that same boy clearly had a crush on me back, but i didn’t make a move. it was clear to everyone but me that cute boy from class last year liked me. i know getting dudes is like 94% confidence but i feel truly paralyzed by fear and insecurity and racism and it sucks! and i don’t know what to do.
all i know is i want to suck face with a boy like, asap.
Losing You by Solange
I am beautiful and hilarious and constantly amazed that literally no one is in love with me!
Selections from ‘Rituals’, by Noorann Matties
Forced to examine ourselves in ways many normally avoid, Rituals as a project sought to capture the moment in which we our lives become devoid of distraction and we become intimately aware of ourselves. By photographing people’s personal beauty rituals I attempted to capture this awareness, this intimacy that occurs only when one is forced to examine their own body, the most basic thing that is theirs, and build upon it.
view the complete series at http://inconnumag.com/rituals/
“ You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time. ”